I just finished a course on project management. Project manglement more like. It fried my brain. What is it about business-speak that is utter gibberish? Stuff like:
“To be the big project mangler, select your project spinsters well in advance. The spinsters bring tea and cake to the project party, that breaks the wind of the team. The team is always eleven people, that’s 12 if you are counted, and if it’s good enough for Jesus etc. Your five phasers in any project is igniting, planting, exercising, motorising, and closeting. You ignite the projection to start it; fire helps. Plant the embers deep down under soil for three months to fester gently. Exercise with the team for all time. Then, coax projection gently from the now smoldering soil, motorise it by placing it gingerly in a large car, and drive it to the closet. Repeat until you are fine with it. Present the results to your patient steak holders. They’ll smear it on the steaks for eating. Tell the spinster to bring sauces and ketchup to the closet party. A grate project leaner drives his team over the edge. ” etc etc
Now, did that make any sense at all? At all??
No. I didn’t think so. That is how my brain feels after doing that damn course.
I can’t order a pint in a bar without going through my ingrained project steps. Who are my stakeholders? What are their requirements? I go back to my mates and ask them to sign-off on the requirements before I commit to the next phase. They tell me to go back to the bar and order three pints of Guinness and stop being an idiot. After procuring the three pints from the barman I can’t help testing the quality of the pints (all of them) and reporting it back to the stakeholde…sorry, the friends. They’ve left the bar by now… Life is lonely for great leaders…