Second Draft…Or What Appears on The Website:
May I begin by offering you my sincere apologies for any inconvenience you have suffered in dealing with Northern Rock during the last few days. Customer service is of paramount importance to us and due to the circumstances that surround us, you have been let down. Thank you so much for your patience, particularly when using our website which has been running very slowly due to the number of people working online.
Let me now reassure you. Your money is safe with us and if you want some, or all of it back, then you are perfectly entitled to it. Whilst you may have to wait a little longer than usual to receive it, you will get it. However, your savings are secure and there is no need for you to withdraw your money based on our recent announcement, and the widespread media coverage that has ensued. The Bank of England has agreed to provide a funding facility to enable us to manage through the current global liquidity crisis. They would not have done so, if we were not a solvent, adequately capitalised, well run bank. I hope this helps to reassure you.
Your custom is very important to us and I sincerely hope you choose to stay with us along with the vast majority of our customer base.
Adam J Applegarth
16 September 2007}
And now, exclusive for the first time, the infamous First Draft…
Dear Patronised Idiot
May I begin by offering you a breathtakingly arrogant and feeble apology for possibly losing your life savings with Northern Rock during the last few days. Customer service is the last thing on our minds while making vast amounts of money for our shareholders and due to the calamitous circumstances that have us buried knee-deep in doo doo now, you have been the first people to be screwed. Thank you so much for not shooting me or my staff, particularly when using our website which has been running very slowly due to the number of people desperate to bail out asap.
Let me now attempt to swindle you even more. Your money is already gone and if you want some, or all of it back, then tough shit, we don’t have any left. Let’s pretend it is merely a long wait for your money and that you’ll eventually get it. There is no need for you to withdraw your money based on our recent announcement, but you’d be well advised to do it anyway. And the media are bastards for blowing our cover. The Bank of England has colluded in trying to swindle you, keen as they are to avoid a total collapse of the banking system. The current global liquidity crisis is wot done it guv’ner. They would not have done so, if we were not a solvent, adequately capitalised, well run bank. Neither would they have done so if we were, er, a well run bank…but that’s beside the point.
I hope this helps to fool you into sitting back long enough to let us keep our bonuses. I am desparate for you to believe this crap because its my last throw of the dice. You are the only customers we have and if you leave now we are all screwed. The vast majority of you are screwed too.
Adam J Applegarth
16 September 2007