I want to raise a very serious issue. Are the Irish rugby team on performance-enhancing drugs or not?
On the eve of a very important match against Argentina, the reputation of Irish rugby sits in the balance. We need to know what artificial, life-threatening drugs these players are on. Like anabolic steroids, testosterone, or cocaine. The world awaits an answer. Are they to follow in the footsteps of Michele de Bruin-Smith, legendary triple gold-medal winner in the Olympics and infamous drug cheat? Or are we to follow the standard set by that Irish lad, whose name escapes me now, who was clean but came nowhere, ever, in the swimming?
And if they are clean – totally clean – I want the Irish management to explain why the fuck they are clean. Why? And can you not just stuff them full of bucket loads of a cocktail of pharmaceutical wonder drugs, just anything to get them to play a little better. Please!