What is it with Italian footballers? They have to be the wimpiest bunch of poofs to ever set foot on a football pitch. It is no wonder the Italian army lost every single war they ever fought. There was the time of the first Italian-Abyssinian war in 1895, when a bunch of warriors dressed in grass skirts ceremonially blew kisses at the Italians who ran back to Italy, crying. And in World War I they were on the allied side – and lost. And in World War II, they switched to the German side – and lost. Twice.
Now we have Dida, an apparently strong and able-bodied man, stretchered off the pitch after a harmless stroke of a fans hand. (And, before you say he’s Brazilian, yes I know he’s Brazilian, but he plays for AC Milan, an Italian team…) He even – comically – attempted to run after the fan before his legs crumbled beneath his own weight. His reactions are so slow I wonder why he’s a goalkeeper. Is this a new, previously scientifically unknown state, where a slight slap to the face results in several seconds of activity before falling to the ground in a heap? I suggest that medical science starts calling it the Dida Syndrome.
When this kind of thing happens, one usually says “give that man an Oscar”. But his feigned injury is so contemptable and ridiculous that, based on it, he wouldn’t be awarded a role in the Rathmines & Rathgar Musical Society’s presentation of “Anything Goes” as Billy Crocker.
Theories as to what happened:
- The fan’s hand had been sprayed with a toxic dose of acid which reacted with Dida’s skin after a few second’s contact
- Dida fell in love with the fan, instantly, and fell over when he realised the love was unrequited
- The fan was a secret agent for the Iranian secret service and he was using radioactive material to infect him
- The sheer obnoxious smell of beer, sweat, and dirty underwear overcame our brave hero once it wafted by his head
Here’s a joke: What do ambulances sound like in Milan?
Answer: Dida, Dida, dida, dida….
Try saying “Did Dida do that?” very fast, several times. It sounds like “dodididodododadadido”.