WordPress allows me to view the search strings that brought people to my blog. I am astonished by some of the searches, for what they reveal about the human mind and the vast, incredible diversity of the Internet.
Here are my Top Ten Funniest Searches over the last 7 days:
1. rules for looking at breasts
Are there such things? This raises very interesting notions in my mind: Never get caught staring at breasts. Glance from side to side to prevent your neck seizing up. Never stare at breasts when you are taking another girl out. Come to think of, it is rather complicated, isn’t it? Hmmm…
2. people with very long necks
As yes, the old neck issue. This refers, I think, to my article about the Irish woman with the world’s longest neck, one Beverley “Brass Neck” Flynn.
3. titty machine
What the hell is a “titty machine”? And, I wonder, is this search from the same person who wanted to know what the rules were for looking at them? What is doubly mysterious is that my blog mentions nothing at all about titties, nevermind titty machines. Bizarre.
4. “john terry” underpants totty
Okay, so I wrote about John Terry, cyborg king of Chelsea football club. But why underpants and totty? Is there a brewing scandal here?
5. teenagers from outer space
Aren’t they all?
6. heroin dublin phoenix park
Phoenix Park, heroin capital of Europe…Is this a search for where to buy the best gear? The Internet is such a vast mine of information!
7. the old woman of ireland
That woman again, Bev Flynn…
8. giraffe pee
Imagine our searcher, sitting down to do a school essay about the Serengeti, and pondering the great questions of life. He’d be sitting there considering ecological diversity, predators against prey, the natural balance of life in Africa’s heartland. And then the most profound question of all would occur to him: “How does a giraffe pee?”. I mean, it is so tall. The pee would spread everywhere, wouldn’t it? Interesting when you think about it!
9. humongous neologism
The bigger they are, the better they are.
10. dogs fantasy football
Do dogs play football? Why not? They even have their own fantasy league for God’s sake!