“Computer screen-bound minions of the world, you have nothing to lose but your pasty faces!”
I want a new job, a fresh challenge. Preferably, it should be esoteric, require years of practice, be unusual or rare, and sometimes highly necessary in extreme circumstances. (Actually, I’ll settle for something different.)
What I’m looking for is a weird job. They need to be done – but you’ve just never considered who does them, or how to become one. Think no more. Here are my personal selection of the world’s weirdest jobs. Note: I’m not saying these are things I would want to be or not. I’m just listing them ‘cos they’re weird.
1. Bomb expert
What a cool job! You do nothing for 15 years and then, bang! Literally…
And I’m not talking about being a bomb disposal expert, an entirely different profession. Or a landmine detector. I’m the guy that turns up after the explosion, not before or during.
2. Himalayan guide
Presumably these positions are dominated by indigeneous peoples living constantly at these high altitudes so they’ve become accustomed to it. It’s called “living the high life” which I hear is rather good…
3. Autocue roller
Okay, hands up who wants to roll an autocue? I mean, you have to sit still in a studio, listen to everything that’s being said and roll that baby. The temptation to slow it down for a brief second – and then speed it up uncontrollably – must be irresistable. The only thing that puts me off is the chance that I’d have to roll it for Ireland’s answer to Alan Partridge – Pat Kenny. Enough to make me want to kill myself.
4. Dinosaur hunter
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go searching for ancient creatures fossilized 300 feet underground…Time Team on speed.
5. Cereal box author
Or, for that matter, the author of any advertising, on any box. I’d love this job and the chance to write the small print at the bottom, saying “This gut-rotting crap will bleech your stomach, destroy your children’s brains, and leave you impotent. Enjoy”
6. The guy with the yellow coats
There’s an emergency. Anywhere in the world at almost any time of day or night. And there he is. The man with the yellow coats. He must wait in readiness with a large vanload of them, sitting patiently for the call. He probably shares a shift with the bomb experts above.
7. Bible hermeneuticist
Now that’s a mouthful. I can imagine the dinner conversation is riveting in the family of the Bible hermeneuticist. Especially if his son, the cereal box author, joins in.
8. Ring tone recorder
A relatively new profession, these are the people who come up with those annoying jingles and chimes for mobile phones. If it drives most commuters mad to share a train or bus with just the odd few mobiles, imagine how annoying it must be to acutally have to record them. As the cliche has it, if Mozart was alive today, he’d be into ring tone production. Actually, I fondly believe that he wouldn’t.
9. Glass blower
A venerable and dying art. Waterford Crystal in ireland used to perennially tout their experts in glass blowing. Unfortunately for them, crystal is about as cool as Cliff Richard’s Christmas records or Barry Manilow’s haircut.
10. Voice analyst
Whenever the police are on a big murder hunt, they invariably trawl through voice recordings of alleged killers. They employ the anonymous “voice analysers” to determine the identity of the killer. How? I can’t imagine what this involves, but presume it means staring obliquely at computer outputs of rising and falling lines. Where do I sign on?
11. Pig wanker
Not for the faint of heart. You’ve got to hand it to those who do this. Or not, as the case may be…
12. Fecal archaeologist
Or Pathoecologist. That’s a cooler name, but it still wouldn’t make me want to do it.
13. Cartoon colourist
Seriously. I knew one, before she left to become an administrative assistant. It was mind-numbing, repetitive, and soul destroying: doodling for a living. The pay was rubbish and – worst of all – she only got to colour part of the wretched cartoon. She couldn’t even finish off the story. How frustrating is that?
14. Polar bear mother
Some might consider this the dream job, but by the time Knut had grown to be eight feet tall and could bite your head off during “play”, it was best to call it a day…
15. Bangladeshi otter trainers
In parts of Bangladesh, they train otters to chase fish into nets. The otters take time to train. Actually, it is kind of a cool job really.
16. Microsoft Most Valuable Professional
Okay, this is a slight cheat, as it isn’t really a job, per se. But it is fun to slag it off anyway.
Being given this title is like attaching a large neon sign above your head that flashes out: “GEEK!! GEEK!!”. Or being labelled a serial sex offender. It is allied to such job titles as “Workflow Approver”, “Technology Evangelist”, “Sharepoint Administrator”, or “Knowledge Management Consultant”. Actually, these jobs are too close to what I do now to be weird. Which is scary. As I said earlier, I do need a new job.
17. Professional table soccer player
Making a living by rolling balls around large tables with miniture men on. Probably no more daft than doing the real thing of course. Or being a darts or rollerblading or chess or poker professional…
18. Hemorrhoid cream researcher
A pain in the hole of a job.
After spending 4 years doing chemistry and biology in college and another 3 or 4 years specialising in medicines, you end up developing stuff that overweight, middle-aged people smear on their rear ends. Lovely.
19. Dog walker
Another one of those jobs that some people would just love to have. It’s the poop scooping that puts me off.
20. Lion tamer
The ultimate weird job. As Monty Python would best explain:
“Your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company, and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these characteristics would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they’re considered a positive boon.” 🙂