Top 20 Weird Jobs

“Computer screen-bound minions of the world, you have nothing to lose but your pasty faces!”
Me, today.

I want a new job, a fresh challenge. Preferably, it should be esoteric, require years of practice, be unusual or rare, and sometimes highly necessary in extreme circumstances. (Actually, I’ll settle for something different.)

What I’m looking for is a weird job. They need to be done – but you’ve just never considered who does them, or how to become one. Think no more. Here are my personal selection of the world’s weirdest jobs. Note: I’m not saying these are things I would want to be or not. I’m just listing them ‘cos they’re weird.

1. Bomb expert
http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Algiers-Algerian-capital-security-source-Bomb-experts/photo//071211/ids_photos_wl/r1777537258.jpg/
What a cool job! You do nothing for 15 years and then, bang! Literally…
And I’m not talking about being a bomb disposal expert, an entirely different profession. Or a landmine detector. I’m the guy that turns up after the explosion, not before or during.

2. Himalayan guide
Presumably these positions are dominated by indigeneous peoples living constantly at these high altitudes so they’ve become accustomed to it. It’s called “living the high life” which I hear is rather good…

3. Autocue roller
Okay, hands up who wants to roll an autocue? I mean, you have to sit still in a studio, listen to everything that’s being said and roll that baby. The temptation to slow it down for a brief second – and then speed it up uncontrollably – must be irresistable. The only thing that puts me off is the chance that I’d have to roll it for Ireland’s answer to Alan Partridge – Pat Kenny. Enough to make me want to kill myself.

4. Dinosaur hunter
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go searching for ancient creatures fossilized 300 feet underground…Time Team on speed.

5. Cereal box author
Or, for that matter, the author of any advertising, on any box. I’d love this job and the chance to write the small print at the bottom, saying “This gut-rotting crap will bleech your stomach, destroy your children’s brains, and leave you impotent. Enjoy”

6. The guy with the yellow coats
There’s an emergency. Anywhere in the world at almost any time of day or night. And there he is. The man with the yellow coats. He must wait in readiness with a large vanload of them, sitting patiently for the call. He probably shares a shift with the bomb experts above.

7. Bible hermeneuticist
Now that’s a mouthful. I can imagine the dinner conversation is riveting in the family of the Bible hermeneuticist. Especially if his son, the cereal box author, joins in.

8. Ring tone recorder
A relatively new profession, these are the people who come up with those annoying jingles and chimes for mobile phones. If it drives most commuters mad to share a train or bus with just the odd few mobiles, imagine how annoying it must be to acutally have to record them. As the cliche has it, if Mozart was alive today, he’d be into ring tone production. Actually, I fondly believe that he wouldn’t.

9. Glass blower
A venerable and dying art. Waterford Crystal in ireland used to perennially tout their experts in glass blowing. Unfortunately for them, crystal is about as cool as Cliff Richard’s Christmas records or Barry Manilow’s haircut.

10. Voice analyst
Whenever the police are on a big murder hunt, they invariably trawl through voice recordings of alleged killers. They employ the anonymous “voice analysers” to determine the identity of the killer. How? I can’t imagine what this involves, but presume it means staring obliquely at computer outputs of rising and falling lines. Where do I sign on?

11. Pig wanker
Not for the faint of heart. You’ve got to hand it to those who do this. Or not, as the case may be…

12. Fecal archaeologist
Or Pathoecologist. That’s a cooler name, but it still wouldn’t make me want to do it.
http://discovermagazine.com/2002/nov/breakdialogue

13. Cartoon colourist
Seriously. I knew one, before she left to become an administrative assistant. It was mind-numbing, repetitive, and soul destroying: doodling for a living. The pay was rubbish and – worst of all – she only got to colour part of the wretched cartoon. She couldn’t even finish off the story. How frustrating is that?

14. Polar bear mother
Some might consider this the dream job, but by the time Knut had grown to be eight feet tall and could bite your head off during “play”, it was best to call it a day…
https://shazgood.wordpress.com/2007/06/11/knut-grows-up/

15. Bangladeshi otter trainers
In parts of Bangladesh, they train otters to chase fish into nets. The otters take time to train. Actually, it is kind of a cool job really.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ha6dYkJFVZg

16. Microsoft Most Valuable Professional
Okay, this is a slight cheat, as it isn’t really a job, per se. But it is fun to slag it off anyway.
Being given this title is like attaching a large neon sign above your head that flashes out: “GEEK!! GEEK!!”. Or being labelled a serial sex offender. It is allied to such job titles as “Workflow Approver”, “Technology Evangelist”, “Sharepoint Administrator”, or “Knowledge Management Consultant”. Actually, these jobs are too close to what I do now to be weird. Which is scary. As I said earlier, I do need a new job.

17. Professional table soccer player
http://www.table-soccer.org/
Making a living by rolling balls around large tables with miniture men on. Probably no more daft than doing the real thing of course. Or being a darts or rollerblading or chess or poker professional…

18. Hemorrhoid cream researcher
A pain in the hole of a job.
After spending 4 years doing chemistry and biology in college and another 3 or 4 years specialising in medicines, you end up developing stuff that overweight, middle-aged people smear on their rear ends. Lovely.

19. Dog walker
Another one of those jobs that some people would just love to have. It’s the poop scooping that puts me off.

20. Lion tamer
The ultimate weird job. As Monty Python would best explain:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMOmB1q8W4Y
 “Your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company, and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these characteristics would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they’re considered a positive boon.” 🙂

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41 Comments

  1. December 13, 2007 at 7:25 pm

    I’d love to do number #5 as well…except all the creative, different ideas would be rejected, and you’d be left

    #11 would have surprised me a year ago…but Deadspin’s coverage of the race horse Barbaro already prepared me for this.

  2. December 13, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    oops, to finish the first sentence: you’d be left with a generic smiling cartoon animal somehow exciting about some bowl of cereal.

  3. David said,

    December 15, 2007 at 1:44 am

    #12 intrigues me. Especially after I’d heard about the discovery of the Reagan Fecaliths in the sub-basement of the White House back in Y2K.

    #18, similar theme, guess that’s what middle age brings us, the occasional “flareup”. And the shark’s liver oil feels sooooo goooood.

    And to complete the anal theme, #16, since I have spent my last decade and a half translating computerology into layspeak. It’s a living …

  4. November 11, 2008 at 4:09 pm

    holy crap.
    i would LOVE to do number four.
    i mean, dang.
    dinosaurs are freakin rad.
    and i love going underground.
    =)

  5. brittany said,

    February 25, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    omg i laughed so hard at #11

  6. Katelyn said,

    May 1, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    i would deff be a pig wanker if i knew i was gettin paid alot haha poorr man

  7. sam said,

    July 7, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    wat no11

  8. callum said,

    July 7, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    im a pig wanker

  9. simon d said,

    July 7, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    hi pig wanker cal

  10. josh said,

    July 7, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    i am a pig wanker it jizzed on ma face 2 times

  11. callum said,

    July 7, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    i got jizzed on 2 times by a pig it was fat 2 way i but it is really mint so do it

    xxxxx funny

    • jonna said,

      December 10, 2010 at 5:07 pm

      ill jizz on your face

  12. sam gray said,

    July 7, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    i lov the smell of the pig jizz

  13. josh breeze said,

    July 7, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    lov doin pigs its ma livin lol

  14. July 7, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    i luv pigs very nice so dose craig connor

  15. jamie said,

    October 19, 2009 at 2:37 am

    #15 is a cool job

    • kinghei said,

      October 19, 2009 at 2:39 am

      #11 is the best job ever i love it

  16. pig jizzer said,

    January 7, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    i love wankin them pigz shpsh shpsh

  17. tom watson said,

    May 4, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    I wanna be pig wanker

  18. tom costello said,

    May 4, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    why isnt seagull spotting there

  19. Nicole Brooks said,

    September 29, 2010 at 12:50 am

    This is so weird.

  20. Rachael said,

    October 13, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    I know right! very weird

  21. billie said,

    November 10, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    heyyyyyyyyyylllllloooo

  22. william luneau henri said,

    January 18, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    bonjour concitoyen

  23. Keke said,

    February 28, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    What da crap dese dumb ask jobs…. i need a job dat i lyke and where i can make lots of $$$ so i can keep listenin to mi homegurl nicki minaj!!!!!!!

    • Debra said,

      March 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

      Your a fricking weird creature, go live in a cave you bear.

  24. Ceri said,

    March 8, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Lol i love fanny

  25. Boner said,

    March 8, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    Uh Yh Give It To Me Harder

  26. Miley Cyrus said,

    March 15, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Hey Im Marlers Im From Texas!

  27. March 15, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    i have a pig… should i do it?… Miley?

  28. Stephen K said,

    September 1, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Haha loved the cream one. Looks like most of the really high paying jobs are always dull and boring. Unless you’re Richard Branson.

  29. billy willy said,

    June 3, 2012 at 2:01 am

    Ha i like lion tamer

  30. weird jobs said,

    September 7, 2013 at 4:54 pm

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