Leaving Certificate results

It’s that time of year again. What dread! What terror! It is time for the results of the Leaving Certificate….

Here’s a summary of the results as I have them now:

Drinking: Students continue to do well in this subject. There has been a notable increase in A1s which experts attribute to increasing affluence.

Fashion: Results have been disappointing this year, with girls well ahead of boys again, for the 75th year running. Pupils taking the pass level continue to show a love of loose tracksuits, but with pyjamas making a surprising surge.

Sport: A traditional boys subject, but results were down this year because of the very tricky question about naming three Irish teams in the League of Ireland, which 92% of people failed to do. (Examiners asked me to point out that “Liverpool Reserves” are still an English team and do not play in Ireland.)

Littering and loitering: Excellent results this year show all round impressive improvement. It seems that this generation excel at dropping cigarettes and loitering around shops in particular. The influx of Spanish students over the last couple of decades, coupled with Big Brother, have helped in this regard. Examiners hope to introduce “Loitering with Intent” as an optional subject next year.

Petty Pilfering: An ever less popular subject, particularly with boys. Experts say that money has become too widespread and the incentive to steal just isn’t there any more.

Moaning: Ireland leads the world in this very traditional subject, which is one of the compulsory ones. Some students fail to see the point of studying it however, given their expertise in it from their early years.

Sex: Always popular. This year, there was a notable increase in teenage pregnancies which indicates that “Applied Sex” is even stronger than usual.

Texting: v gd! Nuf 2do nxt yr, vgd fons rnd, c if u lke it. txtn & wlkn best.