Chinese fake Olympics

In astonishing revelations today, it has been revealed that every country in the world is receiving different media reports, television pictures, and images from the Beijing Olympics. The distorted reports are targeting different markets with different results, thus making a mockery of the actual results.

In the USA, they have been convinced that Michael Phelps, for example, has secured several gold medals and world records. In fact, his performances were filmed over several months and stitched together into an incredible montage of unlikely success. But only in the United States, or in countries with no vested interest in swimming, is Phelps a hero. In downtown Sydney, they are celebrating the Australian male swimmers, who remarkably held-off the great Phelps in every event. Similarly, in Togo, while they celebrate their first Olympic medal ever, a bronze in kayaking, Somalia, Mozambique, and Senegal were all celebrating the exact same triumph for the same event, thanks to digital wizardry.
“We just altered the jersey of the winning competitor digitally and in real time,” stated Olympic organiser Lei Ping. “It was very easy to do in an obscure sport like white-water kayaking. Equally, can anybody recognise individual swimmers from 30 metres away? I don’t think so.”

Justifying the subterfuge, Mr. Ping added, “For the enhancement of the great Chinese country, it behoves us to bestow joy and great celebrations on as many competing countries as possible. It is all in the desire to please and host a successful Olympics.”

Quite how they will handle the 100m sprinting is debatable, but in leaks to this blogger it has been revealed that there will be at least five gold medal winners, six silvers, and up to a dozen bronzes. (However, the GB runner will come in a galant seventh, which is all the nation expects.) How is this to be accomplished? Simple.¬†Digitally-enhanced images can be skillfully developed for each individual runner in advance. The real race is run, but the images and results are manipulated on the fly by software and it all happens too quickly for anybody to notice. The results are then distributed to the target audiences. In Asia, a blindingly fast Saudi Arabian runner steals a bronze, in South America two Brazilians get medals, while in the USA market, nothing less than a full haul of three medals will suffice. When asked whether the ruse will be discovered, the organisers remained non-plussed. “How often will Americans watch anything other than NBC for their Olympic coverage? How closely will they scrutinise the foreign media? And, how interested are NBC in telling them the disappointing news, if a Jamaican actually wins the race?”, said a spokesman.

Other sports are beginning to take an interest. Fifa President Sepp Blatter, bemoaning soccer’s inability to award more than one World Cup every four years, and generally only to Italy, Brazil, or France, has stated his intention of having multiple winners of the next tournament. In 2010, there will be four winners, one each from Africa, Europe, South America, and Asia. By 2018, the intention is to convince a world audience that their country, and their country only, won the World Cup. Sponsors are delighted, because audiences will be boosted world-wide. Meanwhile, coaches get to keep their jobs, players get feted like heroes everywhere they go, and clubs get to plug their players across the world. Audiences will doubtless suspect something is up when their Brazilian neighbour celebrates equally as hard as his Italian or Dutch neighbours, but who’ll be bothered to notice when the whole world is happy?