2010: A retrospective on the Georgian-Russian wars of 2008

In mid 2008, Georgia attacked the semi-autonomous area of South Ossetia in order to reclaim the rogue province for itself. Russia invaded South Ossetia, from North Ossetia, in order to defend the Russian minorities. The Ossetians declared independence, except for the small region of South Mariesbad, where a small majority of South Ossetians of Georgian descent declared their wish to remain in the motherland. But the tiny town of Gribli, set in the idlyic heart of South Mariesbad, tried forcing its way back into the South Ossetian embrace, rushed to declare their independence in turn from South Mariesbad. Not to be outdone, the family of Mr. and Mrs. Georgi Grabula declared their house on the main street of Gribli to be still within the territory of Georgia.

Meanwhile, the Abkhazians, sensing a weakness in Georgia, invaded the north west area of Georgia to expand their territory. Georgia, sensing that other’s sensed its weakness, ordered an attack on Azerbaijan, to support the Armenian resistance movement in Nagorno-Karabakh, in a show of strength. The Armenians, sensing that¬†Azerbaijan would sense their weakness if they accepted support from Georgia, decided to support the Azerbaijani’s. The Georgian president called the Armenian’s a smelly race of ungrateful sheep shaggers. The Armenian’s thanked the president for his gracious compliments.

President Putin flew straight to the region, landing in the Georgian capital Tblisi. After a short conversation with the Georgian authorities, his aides realised they had made a terrible blunder and flew out again, very quickly. Declaring himself totally confused, Bush said the US would wait to see who won the war before commenting. The UN sent peacekeepers to the region, but they got lost in the confusion. Bob Geldolf held a “Find the Missing Peacekeepers” multinational pop concert. Eventually they were found picking on some stray sheep herders in the highlands of North Ossetia, where after a couple of years they set up their independent homeland of Upper Ossetia.

And so it goes on…